


Anxiously awaiting...

by dreigiau



Series: A future worth fighting for [5]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Canon Compliant, F/F, Mutual Pining, Slow Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-08
Updated: 2020-11-08
Packaged: 2021-03-08 23:53:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,221
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27455275
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dreigiau/pseuds/dreigiau
Summary: Spoilers up to 2x115In the days that follow Yasha giving Beau that folded piece of parchment the barbarian struggles to deal with the anxiety of waiting to see how the other woman will respond.
Relationships: Beauregard Lionett/Yasha
Series: A future worth fighting for [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1988308
Comments: 22
Kudos: 221





	Anxiously awaiting...

**Author's Note:**

> Could not for the life of me remember how Matt described the entrance to the excavation site. So it's a cave here. Even though it's definitely not a cave!

She couldn’t sleep. 

And somehow the plummeting temperatures of Eiselcross were not to blame. 

Yasha shifted beneath her blankets, moving onto her back and letting out a soft sigh. 

Glancing to her right she saw that the warmth of Caduceus’ body was gone, and a quick scan of her surroundings confirmed her suspicions - he was taking the next watch, huddled up beside Jester on the edge of their group. 

Eyes shifting to her left she found the source of her restlessness. Pressed up close beside her, but not quite touching.

Beauregard Lionett. Expositor of the Cobalt Soul. Loyal friend. Fearsome fighter. A woman who had caught Yasha completely off guard and who was staking a claim on the barbarian’s heart. 

Yasha let her eyes linger on the other woman for a few moments, a frown crossing her face as she realised how tensed up Beau’s body was and the way she shivered in the cold. 

When they had all bedded down for the night it had felt like an unspoken agreement had passed between them as Beau’s eyes had met Yasha’s and they silently set up their bedrolls beside one another. Yasha’s heart had been beating erratically from being so close to the monk and all she could think about was that piece of folded parchment she had handed to the other woman just hours earlier. 

Then Beau had rolled onto her side, her back to Yasha. Whilst common sense told Yasha that it didn’t mean anything, she was only turning to talk to Jester, she couldn’t help but feel the cold a little bit more right then. 

They had fallen asleep with their backs to one another, and Yasha had tried to convince herself once more that it didn’t mean anything yet she couldn’t help but worry. 

Had it been the wrong time to give Beau the letter? 

She had wanted to find a nice moment, but she had panicked. Beau had been talking to her, Beau had been asking how she was feeling and it had been too much, she hadn’t been able to stop herself from handing her the paper that had been burning a hole in her pocket for weeks. 

As she watched the woman beside her the shivering became more prominent. Beau was small, or smaller than Yasha at least, and had likely not had to withstand such temperatures before. It also probably didn’t help that the other side of Beau was completely exposed since Jester had left her spot beside her to take watch with Caduceus. 

Yasha hesitated a moment before shifting onto her side, facing the monk. She bit her lip before lifting her blanket so that it covered Beau’s body as well. 

The smaller woman immediately gravitated towards the source of warmth, her hand reaching blindly in her sleep and finding purchase on Yasha’s forearm.

Yasha smiled gently in response, her arm shifting so that she could instead take Beau’s hand in hers. She carefully threaded their fingers together, enjoying the way that the monk’s smaller hand seemed to fit perfectly in hers. 

“Yash…” she whispered through chattering teeth, her forehead creasing as her body tried to fight the cold. Yasha’s breath caught in her throat and by the time she had gotten it back Beau had shifted closer to her in her sleep, seeking her warmth.

And warmth, it bloomed inside Yasha’s chest. Gently she squeezed Beau’s hand and shifted closer too, eyes falling closed as she let herself finally relax, sleep finally taking her. 

\--

It should have been awkward, Yasha thought, when she woke in the morning to find Beau’s face inches from hers, their fingers still entwined beneath the blanket. 

Yet it wasn’t.

Blue eyes widened slightly at the realisation that Yasha had awoken to find her staring.

“Morning” she whispered. 

“Morning, Beau…”

A few moments passed as they just stared at one another and if Yasha were braver then maybe, just maybe, she would have closed the distance between them and brushed her lips to Beau’s. 

But she wasn’t brave. Not when it came to this woman. 

And then the moment was gone as Beau rolled onto her back. 

“Fuck it’s cold!” she groaned, her hand finally escaping Yasha’s as she lifted her arms to stretch. 

“Yes. Cold” Yasha agreed as she forced herself to sit up and look away from Beau. “So so very cold” she nodded, chewing her lip. 

When she lifted her head she found Beau had sat up, knees drawn to her chest and her arms wrapped around them. She was watching Yasha, a small smile on her lips as she leant her chin on her forearms. 

“Thanks for uh -” she nodded down towards where they had been laying. 

“No uh - it was no problem” she replied quickly, gesturing her arm a little wildly. “It’s important that we all share our body heat” she nodded. 

Beau smiled once more. 

“Yeah, you can say that again” she said softly and let out a deep breath, her lips parting as if she was going to say something more but her attention was caught by the flames of the fire, what had been dying embers now roaring to life thanks to Caleb.

Yasha bit her lip and watched as Beau got to her feet, energised by the mention of bacon. 

Maybe, just maybe, it hadn’t been the worst idea to give Beau the letter after all.

\--

Or had it? 

The group had spent much of today’s trek in silence. The biting cold was too much to find the breath to talk, and that instead left Yasha lost in her own mind. 

It had left her overthinking every single interaction she had ever had with the other woman. 

And now she was at it again. 

In the comfort of the tower, and the bedroom that Caleb had so lovingly conjured for her, Yasha could not stop thinking about Beauregard and that tiny piece of parchment. 

Was she reading it now? Had she already read it? 

What would she think? 

Would she come to Yasha’s room? Should Yasha go to her room? 

What if she hated it? What if Yasha’s honesty had made Beau feel uncomfortable? 

As the night wore on the latter explanation became the more likely scenario in Yasha’s head. 

If Beau had read it and had felt the same then surely she would have come to Yasha by now? 

It was becoming clear to the barbarian that her feelings were not reciprocated and she’d never felt so foolish. 

She had gone and fallen for the first woman to flirt with her. Had foolishly mistaken Beau’s flirtations as something more. 

It hurt. 

They were friends. Nothing more. 

Yet.

_”I am not having Yasha walk up and hit it with her sword!”_

She could remember the high intonation of Beau’s voice, the widening of her eyes when she had glanced over to look at her. 

Beau had been worried about her. 

And that offered hope. 

Yasha let out a soft sigh and rolled over in bed. She needed to stop thinking about this because she’d never get any sleep. 

But the more she thought about it the more she seemed to come to her senses. There was no way to know whether Beau had read the letter (unless of course she asked, but she was never going to do that!), but if she had then her silence wasn’t necessarily a bad thing. 

How long had Yasha kept that parchment in her pocket? How long had she avoided giving it to Beau because she was terrified of what taking that step would mean?

Beau had never been loved. Yet she loved so fiercely. 

Maybe, just maybe, Beau had read the letter and it had been a lot. But not in a bad way. Maybe Beau needed time to figure it out, to take in Yasha’s words, and the meaning behind them. 

Beau had given Yasha space, and time.

She had backed off as soon as she found out about Zuala, and Yasha had taken that time to figure out a lot of things about herself, about her past, her present and her future. She had taken the time to figure out the things she had written in that letter, to figure out Beau and the part that the monk could play in her life should she open herself up to that possibility. 

And now it was Yasha’s turn to give Beau space. To give Beau time to process Yasha’s declaration and decide what became of them. 

With that thought in mind Yasha was able to close her eyes, was able to fight off the doubt and let herself fall asleep and into dreams that she so desperately hoped could come true. 

\-- 

The next morning as Yasha entered the fourth floor dining room her eyes met Beau’s. 

“Hello…” she said quickly, nerves flooding through her.

“Hey Yash” Beau replied, her tone a lot more casual than how Yasha was feeling. “I uh - asked the cats to make some pancakes” she explained. 

Yasha’s eyebrows rose slightly. 

“For you” Beau added quickly and cleared her throat before gesturing to the pile of pancakes beside her. “Cause uh - I know you like ‘em and well, I figured it’d be nice to not have to wait” she rambled. “Though I probably should have waited - you might not even want pancakes tonight. We had them last night and -”

“Pancakes sound great” Yasha interrupted, voice soft as she walked across the room and took the seat on the bench beside the monk. “Thank you, Beau”

“No, yeah. Of course, don’t uh - don’t mention it” 

Yasha smiled softly and reached for a fork. 

“Do you want some?” she asked, lifting her eyes to look at Beau once more. 

“Yeah, sure” 

Yasha carefully moved some of the pancakes to the plate in front of Beau’s. 

“You want some bacon?” she offered in return. “It’s not pocket bacon but still - it’s pretty good” she laughed. 

“Bacon would be good” Yasha agreed and watched as Beau shifted some onto her plate. 

The barbarian felt her heart swell with happiness at such a simple interaction between them. Could this be their life? Sharing breakfast together every morning? 

“Morning guys” 

Jester’s voice broke Yasha from her thoughts and she looked up to smile as their tiefling friend approached, rubbing her eyes. 

“Good morning, Jester” she replied happily as she picked up her fork and began to eat. 

“You look tired, Jes?” Beau pointed out. 

Jester yawned. “I stayed up late,” she explained. “Caleb was reading to me”

“Oh?” 

“That cute book that’s in all the rooms - with the cat with the hat…”

“Oh right, yeah. The Zemnian kid’s book”

“Yeah, it was like really really cute” she explained before turning to one of the spectral cat’s and ordering a tonne of pastries for breakfast. “How about you? What did you do last night?”

“Oh uh -” Beau stuttered, and if Yasha wasn’t mistaken she was blushing too. “Not much. Took a bath, warmed up after the day out in the cold, then got an early night”

Yasha was too busy allowing her mind to wander to Beau in the bathtub and didn’t hear Jester directing the question at her. 

Until she came to and realised the tiefling was staring straight at her. 

“What? Sorry, what was that Jester?”

“I was just asking what you did last night, Yasha”

“Oh. N - nothing much. Sleep. I went to sleep” she replied before averting her eyes and focusing on eating her breakfast.

She could feel their eyes on her but soon enough her two friends were deep in conversation. 

Yasha couldn’t be sure whether Beau had read the letter, but she could be patient.

—

Beau and Caduceus had seen something. 

Yasha had no idea what. Her eyes scanned the snowy hills ahead of them, following Beau’s line of sight but she could see nothing but snow.

Her brow furrowed as she concentrated, her lips parting as she prepared to ask what they’d seen and then Beau turned sharply, eyes wide.

“Yasha, move!”

The barbarian didn’t have much time to wonder what was happening before a small but lithe body collided into hers. Strong arms encircled her and despite their size difference the surprise of the movement was enough to cause Yasha to go stumbled backwards.

Her back hit the cold snow and Beau fell with her, just as a loud _thud_ sounded behind them as a large net engulfed the space they had been in.

Yasha’s hands had fallen to Beau’s waist to cushion her fall and the monk’s hands were still wrapped around Yasha’s biceps. They took a moment to just stare at one another, glad they were okay, before Beauregard was leaping to her feet. 

“Fjord?! Jes?!”

Yasha sat up and realised their two friends, and their guide Dagon, had been caught beneath the heavy net. She pushed herself to her feet, hands wrapping around the edge nearest to Jester. 

“Go…” she huffed towards Beau who immediately nodded and took off towards the giant Yeti that Veth was engaged with. 

Yasha pulled her gaze away from the other woman, tried to forget how right it felt to have her body pressed against hers, and used all her strength to lift the net and help the others out. 

—

The Yeti were staying for dinner.

Today had been weird. Weirder than usual and that was saying something. 

Dinner was interesting, sitting alongside a bunch of yeti felt in a lot of ways like being back with the tribe. The way they ripped meat from the bone, downed tankard after tankard of ale - it was oddly comforting to be in such a boisterous setting. 

What was even more comforting though was having Caleb and Veth sitting at either side of her, telling stories of their time together before the Nein. Fjord sitting opposite her, Jester to his right trying to convince him to let her shave his beard so that it was like the Gentleman’s. 

“Why would I want to look like him?”

“He is very handsome, Fjord!”

“But he’s your Father, Jester!”

“I know, and Mama thinks he’s super handsome too…”

And to Fjord’s left was Beau, who was sipping her own ale and was uncharacteristically quiet. An observer, rather than a contributor. 

“How’s the ale?” Yasha asked gently, wanting to include Beau in a conversation. 

“Oh. Uh, yeah. It’s uh - it’s good” she nodded. 

“Ain’t strong enough if you ask me” Dagon chimed in from the other side of Caduceus. 

Beau chuckled, her eyes meeting Yasha’s for a moment before she quickly averted her gaze back to her tankard. 

For a moment Yasha wondered if she had done something wrong. 

And as their friends got lost in the conversations around them she desperately wanted to ask Beau if she had read the letter yet. 

But she couldn’t. She had to give Beau space, the way Beau had given Yasha both space and time to make her own move. 

And so instead she sought to reaffirm the things she had said in the letter, hoping Beau would understand. 

“I thought you were really great” she mumbled a little nervously, wrapping her hands around her own tankard and staring down into it for courage.

“I uh…” Beau began, brow furrowing. “ _Thought_?” she asked with a nervous laugh. “As in the past...but not now?” she asked carefully.

Yasha frowned, eyes snapping up to meet Beau’s, her face beginning to redden as she realised how her words had sounded. 

“Nonononono!” she quickly corrected herself. “No, I meant to say today. I thought you were great today” she tried to explain, arms flailing about as she spoke, making her feel even stupider. “During the fight, you know? You just - you realised there was a way to stop the violence and you took it”

Yasha bit her lip and looked at Beau nervously as the monk’s eyebrows rose with understanding of what Yasha was saying. 

“Oh. Right. Yeah” she nodded, this time it was her turn to blush. “Yeah well I just - figured if there was a peaceful resolution we should explore that, you know?”

Yasha smiled softly as she watched Beau, the way she spoke without the confidence she had had earlier in the day, clearly embarrassed by her actions. 

“You’re a good leader” she replied simply. “And you’re smart and you - you think to do things that we don’t. And I -” she looked up at Beau nervously, and she could see the recognition in the other woman’s eyes and she _knew_ , she knew that Beau had read the letter. 

Yasha swallowed nervously. “Thank you for doing that today, thank you for taking control of the situation. For being a good person, I really admire you for that. I mean - I’m sure everyone does. You’re uh, you’re good. Good people - person…” she began to ramble and quickly lifted her drink, taking a sip so she didn’t have to keep talking.

“Uh yeah, sure. Was uh - no problem, man” Beau replied in a bit of a stutter as if she were trying to regain her thoughts. 

When Yasha looked up once more it was Beau’s time to hide behind her tankard and when she finally lowered it their eyes locked. 

“Thanks Yasha…” Beau practically whispered. “That uh, what you just said it - it means a lot so, so thanks for uhm...you know, seeing me. Or whatever”

Yasha nodded, “You’re welcome, Beau”

“You too. I mean -” Beau laughed gently and glanced down at the table, clearly stumbling over her words. “I mean, thanks Yash. Just uh - thanks” 

The barbarian smiled and held Beau’s gaze for a moment longer than she was usually brave enough for and then began to stand. 

“I should. Late -” she gestured behind her to the middle of the room. 

“Oh right, yeah”

“Should get some rest” she rambled on, eyes widening ever so slightly as Beau stood too. 

“No yeah, you’re right. We should get some rest, early morning”

“Yeah”

“Yeah…”

The two stood staring at one another, completely oblivious to the fact that their friends had stopped their own conversations to watch this bizarre standoff that appeared to be happening. 

After a moment Yasha cleared her throat and looked away from everyone.

“Goodnight!” Yasha suddenly declared, glancing around the group and adding. “Everyone”

“Night Yasha” Jester beamed back. 

“Yeah, night…” Beau added and began to move at the same time as Yasha towards the centre of the room. 

They both paused and glanced awkwardly at one another. 

“Sorry, you -” Beau gestured ahead of her.

“No it’s okay you can…”

“No really you were going first”

Yasha hesitated before nodding and walking briskly towards the central column. Beau hesitated a moment as she watched the barbarian disappear, up to the next floor. She felt like she couldn’t sit back down now, and everyone’s eyes were on her so she panicked and followed after Yasha, thinking up and ascending to the next level. 

“What the fuck was that?” Fjord asked, eyebrows risen. 

“Well, they’re clearly hooking up tonight, right?” Veth grinned over at Jester. 

“Oh totally!” she agreed with a matching grin. “Oh they were so cute, and awkward and -”

“Obvious?” Caduceus chimed in which caused the rest of the group to laugh loudly. 

“So obvious” Caleb agreed amusedly. 

“Caleb did you uh - you made the walls soundproof, right?” Fjord asked carefully. 

“I think you will find out soon enough, mein freund” the wizard teased, much to Fjord’s alarm.

As Beau reached the platform above she found Yasha standing with her forehead pressed against the door to her room. 

“You uh - you okay, Yash?”

“Yes” the barbarian quickly swung around to stare at Beau. “I’m fine. Thank you. Just -” she gestured to the door behind her and Beau nodded gently, even though she didn’t quite understand. 

“Okay well I should uh -” she nodded upwards towards the floor of her room. 

“Yes” Yasha nodded. 

Beau bit her lip and hesitated a moment. 

“Hey Yasha?”

“Yes, Beau?”

“I uh - thank you for what you said before...you know, about uhm, about the fight?”

Yasha nodded. “Of course”

“I guess I just wanted to say I couldn’t have done it without you” she muttered, eyes avoiding Yasha’s. “I don’t think - they wouldn’t have agreed to stop if you hadn’t healed him, so thank you…”

“I didn’t do anything, Beau. Jester could have -”

“You used initiative, Yasha. You may not have felt like it was your place to do it but you did it anyway, and you gave us the chance of ending the conflict”

Yasha bit her lip and looked away and Beau recognised it as someone who was not used to hearing they did well. She knew she was the same. 

“I guess what I’m trying to say is - you’re more than your rage Yash…” she whispered, swallowing nervously as she watched the taller woman, waiting for their eyes to meet. And when they did it knocked the breath out of her, the vulnerability on Yasha’s face in that moment - it made it worth letting her guard down to be honest and say what she wanted to say to Yasha for once. 

“Thank you, Beau…”

“Yeah no worries, man” she gestured in a way that said don’t worry about it. “Just uh - next time try to save your healing hands for me, huh?” the monk joked, lifting her arm to rub her neck nervously.

“I usually do” Yasha replied so simply, so brutally honestly that Beau completely forgot how to breathe as she stared back at the other woman. She wanted to reply with some kind of clever quip, but she couldn’t. She was stunned by the brutal honesty, and the vulnerability that Yasha’s words had unmasked in the both of them. 

Yasha’s breath was a little shaky as she stared back at Beau. There was a part of her that wanted to ask Beau to come to her room with her, and she knew the other woman would say yes.

But she stopped herself. Because she knew that Beau had read the letter now, it was obvious in the way they had spoken to one another tonight. Yet the younger woman had chosen not to outwardly admit to it, and so Yasha refrained. She would give Beau the time she needed, because in the end she was sure it would be worth it. 

“Goodnight, Beau…” she whispered instead, offering the smallest of smiles before turning to open her door and disappearing behind it. 

“Yeah, night Yash…” Beau whispered breathlessly in response. 

\--

Yasha watched silently from the back of the group as Beau argued with the others about their intentions with Molly. Or Lucien. Nonagon. Whoever he was. 

Her heart was swelling with pride as she listened to the monk’s impassioned speech. As Beau brought up the similarities to when they had blindly followed Obann. 

There was something new about Beau, she had noticed over these last few days. Not different per say, but just a new way that the woman was choosing to tackle things. First with the necromantic gem, then the de-escalation with the Yeti and now the desperation to have a smart plan rather than rushing into this ready for a fight. 

_You’re a leader._

And she was showing it. 

Yasha felt that spark of rage that she was so accustomed to low in her belly. She was annoyed at the rest of the Nein for disregarding Beau’s warnings. She wanted them to stop and take in what Beau was saying, to take a moment to use their heads, but as usual she wasn’t sure of the words to use. She wasn’t like Beau, words didn’t come to her so easily. 

And so she stood in silence, watching as Caleb then Fjord descended into the cave entrance, Veth and Jester behind them. She hesitated and exchanged a look with Caduceus before the Firbolg lowered his head and carefully entered the mouth of the cave. 

There was only Yasha and Beau left, and she so desperately wanted to pull Beau to her and suggest that they don’t go in. But she knew they couldn’t. This group was her tribe, her family. For better or worse they would follow, they would stay together and face whatever awaited them _together_. 

She sighed softly, adjusted the sword on her back and stepped towards the entrance, but before she could duck her head and enter she felt a warm hand wrap around her wrist, squeezing gently. 

Yasha lifted her eyes to meet Beau’s. 

The monk was staring at her, an intensity and a worry behind her gaze. It felt similar to when they had entered the cave back on the outskirts of Bazzoxan.

“Don’t die” Beau whispered, her voice breaking slightly with an emotion that neither of them were willing to identify. 

Yasha stared back at Beau silently, mind working overtime as she processed the words, tried to figure out how to reply because somehow she understood that this was Beau’s way of saying she had read the letter and that they should talk once this was over. 

“We keep each other **safe** , yeah?” Beau added when Yasha stayed silent, her hand squeezing Yasha’s once more. 

“Yeah” the barbarian whispered in response, before nodding and descending. 

_You make me feel safe._ She wanted to reply, but it was okay, Beau already knew.

**Author's Note:**

> I may write a Beau-centred companion piece, if there's appetite for it?
> 
> Also, Tumblr - @the-invulnerable-vagrant :)


End file.
